Ah, dinner, huh ?
You know, it's not the most Important meal of the day--
No.
But it's not bad.
Right, do i have Potato in my teeth ?
It's hard to tell where The tooth ends
And the potato begins.
You do me a big favor ?
Yeah.
Pass the bucket Of gravy over here ?
Hey, ben, let me Ask you something.
Remember my old wollensack tape recorder
That used to be set up In the living room
When you were little ? A reel-to-reel machine ?
I used to record songs On it.
Have you seen it around ?
I haven't-- i don't Even remember it.
You're kidding me.
No-- what's it called ?
It's a reel-to-reel Tape recorder.
Right, i know What those are.
It's a wollensack-- That's the brand name.
You probably lost it.
Well, i'm just afraid that
It's buried under A ton of stuff
In the basement In our locker,
You know, in our Little area down there.
You should go down, Check it out.
I have this song Kicking around in my head,
And i remember--
Oh, dad.
I remember recording A million great songs
On that machine, And i was thinking
It would be fun to set up A little home studio here.
Dad, that's not A good idea, you know ?
And i was thinking That you could
Actually play the role Of my producer in this.
Really ? That's enticing.
I mean, if you could write Something for broadway,
You know i'm on board.
You have free reign If you can find that machine.
Is it gonna require a lot Of time commitment,
Because i have A lot of time.
Can i sing one line Of it for you ?
Just one.
It goes...
* Left out But i'm not new *
But i'm what ?
But i'm not new.
It sounds like hebrew A little, doesn't it ?
"But i'm not new" ?
That's the one
That's been kicking around In your head ?
Well, it's about This feeling i felt
When i started Graduate school.
Can you change it ?
You can't change Your feeling, ben.
Then just change the line.
You're already losing Half the audience
Right out of the gate.
Because, actually--
Wait a minute, Raise your hand--
You shut up !
Laura ?
What ?
Do you have a key To the men's room ?
No.
Oh.
Laura ?
What ?
Does dr. Katz have A key to the men's room ?
No.
Aw !
What are you doing, You animal ?
Why don't you Use the bathroom
Like everyone else ?
Because i didn't know How to get the key ?
You don't need a key !
Oh, now i remember.
Oh, yes, doctor, I'm coming !
Didn't you hear him ? He said, "next patient."
Did you hear him ? I'm coming, dr. Katz.
Well, we should continue Our little conversation
At some other time--
Perhaps over a nice, Delicious beverage.
I don't know-- I saw that this woman
Was suing mcdonald's,
Because she found a condom in Her big mac or something.
Okay, she should Get some money,
'Cause that's Pretty gross, you know,
But it's not their fault That she choked on it.
You know what i mean ?
Like, if i'm Eating something,
And there's a hair in it, I'm gonna stop.
I'm gonna go, "ew," But she's sitting there,
Just going to town On this thing.
( Chewing noises )
"Is there, like, pickle in a Little packet or something ?"
Hi, laura, I'm a little early, right ?
Yeah.
You know why ? Why ?
I took the bus-- This is nuts.
Wait, that's Not the nutty part.
While it was in motion, I talked to the driver.
You're not supposed To do that.
I know-- took a lot of Innocent people down with me.
Not just me i'm Self-destructive with.
How are things, fred ?
Things could be worse.
That's what people say
When they point to me In the street.
No, no, people bother Me about being thin.
They're always going, "Oh, you're so skinny,
I could put my hand Around your arm !"
No you can't ! Why ? 'Cause get outta here !
They tell me i'm thin, Like i don't know.
They go, "how Much do you weigh ?"
I have to tell 'em so they Can go, "oh, god."
Do you go to someone Who's bald and go,
"What's the circumference Of your head ?"
I met this girl, And we went back to my place.
You know, one thing led to Nothing, and she goes,
"No sex, we're just gonna Sleep-- we'll be friends."
What friends do that ?
I played basketball with My friend the other day,
And i said, "What do you wanna do now ?
Let's take a nap together."
I wouldn't go looking,
Digging through your past, Dad, to find--
I'm just saying, that's A dangerous thing to do.
You go back, you pull out The old tape recorder,
You pretend that you Can write and record songs.
I mean, it's a dream that You shouldn't pursue.
I'm just saying You're gonna get hurt...
By me.
You know I gave up the dream
When your mother Became pregnant.
What are you Trying to say, dad ?
I'm saying You ruined my life.
Ben, are you down there ?
Ow ! I'm here.
Are you okay ?
Ah, god !
Let me toss you down The flashlight, hang on.
Don't toss anything !
Here it comes. Ow !
Oh, jeez, i'm sorry.
Dad, that's why-- 'Cause it's dark here.
I should have Turned it on first.
Right, you got me In the cheek.
I think there were some Batteries down there for it.
Why don't you throw Those down now, dad ?
The thing is that nobody Goes down there anymore.
Why ?
It's so great down here-- It's nice and moldy,
And wet.
Here's the-- dad, i found
The old golf clubs Uncle joe gave me.
We don't have An uncle joe.
Oh, maybe I'm in the wrong--
Yeah, you've strayed.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dad !
What's that ?
There's a picture of you When you were in the army.
Is this you ?
You weren't in The korean war, were you ?
Ben, i gotta go-- i think-- But good luck.
Dad, don't Leave me down here.
Stay in touch !
Don't shut the-- dad ! Don't shut the-- dad ?
Dad, i'm scared !
( Humming )
Dad ?
Dad, how'd you get here ?
I closed the door behind me.
Am i gonna leave my Only son down there alone ?
I appreciate it.
Get in the trunk. Give me a hug.
Hi, laura.
Hi.
Did i miss The appointment ?
No.
Oh, good, good, Good, good.
No, it's tomorrow.
Oh, i guess-- i can't Keep my life in order.
You know what i mean ?
Like those bad boys on geraldo that the women--
You go, why are you With this guy ?
Do you think i'm gritty ?
Am i more like a jeff bridges Or a nick nolte ?
Mmm-- which one Of 'em is taller ?
I don't know, but i didn't Shave-- that's gritty.
Nick nolte.
All right.
So i have to make A determination
Exactly what I'm gonna do here.
Maybe you could Steer me in--
Well, you know what We could use, actually,
Is a cable for the mic, 'Cause i'm not sure--
And also, i could use a music Stand to hold the lyrics.
I'll get all that stuff-- I got no problem there.
It's just that, you Know how uncomfortable i am
Talking to salespeople.
I don't wanna get in That situation where--
Well, because you always-- You like to sound like
You know what you're Talking about, when in fact,
They're perfectly glad To talk you through it.
Just don't try To impress anybody.
I don't want the guy to talk Me into stuff i don't need.
Well, let's do A little role-playing here.
I'll be the salesperson.
What can i do for you, Young man ?
Um, i need some equipment For setting up a home studio.
You're gonna need One of everything,
And the latest, I think--
I'll take it.
Okay-- that Worked out okay.
Yeah, see, i panicked.
Yeah-- okay, now, let me be A different sales guy.
Hey, how you doing ?
What kinda Sales guy are you ?
A little sleazy.
I like this Role-playing stuff.
Joan rivers here To see dr. Katz.
I'm sorry, but you can't Bring that animal in here.
Pardon me ?
This is not an animal, This is my friend.
11 1/2 years-- This is my friend.
Ms. Rivers, it's not The dog we don't want,
It's the hairdo-- It's cruel.
My daughter and i Are close, thank god.
We're almost like mother And daughter--
Very, very close.
That's sweet.
Get off the couch, spike.
The birth was terrible.
I was in labor 108 days, And it was just--
That was A long time ago, joan.
That was 24 years ago-- You don't forget.
You don't forget-- A woman--
And they always lie to you When you're pregnant.
They say, "never more Beautiful, you're glowing."
Heartburn-- I carried so big,
And also, i carried very low, Doctor, you know,
That was one of the problems.
Melissa's feet were hanging Out the last three months.
Dr. Katz's office.
Laura, laura ? Laura, you there ?
It's ben.
Hi. How are ya ?
Fine, how are you ?
What's that ? What do you want ?
Say it again ?
I can't really-- I can't hear you that well,
Because i'm at the Music store,
And the guys Are jamming here.
Guys, seriously, Keep it down.
What ?
And, so i could go At any time here,
'Cause i might Have to sit in.
I'll tell you something,
The music store, Laura, is fantastic.
I mean, the people here-- It's like a commune.
They play it loud, They play it proud.
You know, They stopped playing.
I don't have to Keep talking loud.
But i will, you know ?
Laura, you there ?
I knew nothing.
First of all, When they show you the baby--
My daughter, melissa's, Beautiful.
You know what It really goes back to ?
It doesn't even go back To melissa.
It goes further back.
It goes back, um, I wasn't wanted.
Do you know what that's Like to start out that way ?
My parents didn't want me--
They didn't take me Out of the hospital
Until i was 9 1/2 years old.
That's unforgivable.
It was difficult, And you don't forget.
You don't forget These hurts.
You shouldn't forget.
I don't mean to cry-- I'm sorry.
Spike, not now !
Dad.
( Dr. Katz ) What's up, ben ?
Dad, i can barely hear you.
Bad connection ?
No, i'm at the music store,
And someone's playing The triangle in my ear.
Why don't you Call me later ?
Okay, dad, it's quiet now-- What'd you say ?
I said call me later.
No, it's all right.
I made a list, I'm checking it twice.
I got a microphone.
Oh, good.
And it's a great one.
We need the microphone.
We don't need the best Microphone in the world.
Well, i don't know if It's the best one.
I mean, It's the most expensive.
You come by here A lot, right, dad ?
Yeah, every once in awhile, I get a new ax.
Get a what ? A new ax.
What does that mean ?
A new guitar-- that's--
That's what They call a guitar ?
That's what Musicians refer to
Their instruments as-- Their axes.
Their axes, right.
It's not just in music that This kind of stuff happens.
Every business Has its own jargon.
Like lumberjacks call Their instruments--
Axes. Right !
My kids are In a private school,
And i don't know--
All the schools my kids Have been in,
Most of the parents
Are out-of-work Sitcom actors, you know ?
You know, it's A very strange place
For a kid to grow up.
So we're sitting there, And they're going,
"Let's do a fund-raiser !"
Not 'cause the school Needed any more cash.
It's because they all wanted To get back on the stage
And hit the boards again.
They all wanted to perform.
"Hey, let's do les mis."
"Oh, that would be exciting, Chachi, that's a great idea."
So i'm sitting there, And they go,
"Bob, do you have any Fund-raising ideas ?"
And i said, "Why don't we sell crack ?"
And then the p.T.A. Bummed out.
They're like, "ehh," and i'm Like, "hey, not to our kids !"
Your bill is past due-- Could you pay today ?
Uh, lookit, i don't have A problem with paying,
And i like The idea of paying.
Um, and you're Looking at me
Saying i don't have Any money, i know that.
I don't think You're qualified
To judge me, though.
I have a lot of money.
Mm-hmm.
Just not on me.
Okay.
And they don't let me have A checking account anymore.
You know, You make one mistake.
You go out and buy 30, 40,000 chia pets on an impulse,
Suddenly, "oh, bob Can't have an account.
Bob can't be trusted With credit cards."
We just had kittens !
You know, Nothing could help
Settle up payment faster Than a delicious kitten.
That's disgusting.
I didn't mean eat it.
I'm just talking About, like, licking it.
Ah, shut up !
When i was a kid, this was The worst experience.
I took a cross-country trip
With my mother and father-- Severe torture.
The whole trip, My mother's so annoying.
I mean, i'm eating a hershey Bar, she freaks out.
She goes, "Where did you get that ?"
Where did i get it-- Like i'm a junkie,
And my connection's Set me up in minneapolis.
You know, "i'm gonna be in Seattle in five hours.
You got some chunkys ?"
What is that ?
This is just-- i've been--
You bringing Your machine gun ?
No, i'm bringing my guitar To work these days,
Just because i'm Working on a song.
Oh, so you're back to Songwriting again.
Well, actually, I never really left it,
But i'm just curious as to What you guys think.
Can i hear it ?
But just-- It's a work in progress,
And my big fear is that
I'm rewriting someone Else's melody.
So we'll think about it.
( Playing guitar )
* Oh, say can you
No, i'm kidding about that, I'm kidding about that.
Just change it.
This is how it goes-- It goes--
* Left out But i'm not new *
* This doesn't seem to...
You wrote that ? Yep.
I have chills-- I'm gonna start crying.
I'm almost done.
* I've gotta Think this through *
Oh, boy.
Then this is the chord That i recently learned
From a friend of mine.
Ooh-- "c" minor Diminished seventh.
I like the song-- I think it's really good.
You have a nice voice.
( Stanley ) You know, paul mccartney
Once referred to brian wilson As a musical genius.
And that same year,
Bob dylan called Smokey robinson
America's Greatest living poet.
What's your point, stanley ?
That i know stuff.
( T.V. Playing loudly )
Ben, can you shut The t.V. Off, please ?
What ?
I said, "Shut off the t.V." !
You shut up and be free.
Ben, i asked you To shut off the t.V.
Oh, sorry, dad.
Looks like we're In a recording studio.
You got everything here.
What's incredible is--
Do you know how To use this stuff ?
Listen to this, dad.
This is just one of The amazing things.
Lay it on me.
( Robotic voice ) I can talk like a robot.
That's great !
( Muffled ) Danger, danger, Danger, danger !
Boy, that is-- you've Got some great stuff.
( Echoing ) Echo, echo, echo.
Lassie, help, I'm in the ravine.
Let me hear just A quick note.
Okay.
Um, this is the--
Let me-- i just gotta Get a level check here.
We should do a scratch track, Just for reference.
What you need To do right now, dad,
Is not talk until I say talk,
Because that's gonna Screw up my level check.
All right ?
Yep, you're Calling the shots.
Oh, see, There you go again.
I'm sorry.
Okay, come on, people, Let's go, all right ?
Ben, it's just you and me.
Exactly, me and you, Baby, huh ?
You ready ? Yeah.
All right, wink-wink, Here we go.
Four, three, two, one.
Wait a minute, I'm sorry, i screwed up.
I don't say two.
I did this alone-- it's just When you came in here,
I got nervous.
Okay, here we go-- This is gonna work.
Okay.
Are you all right ?
I'm with you.
You feel okay ? Yeah, i'm okay.
You want some tea ?
Nope, i'm good.
Things okay at home ?
Ben, come on !
( British accent ) Are you ready to rock ?
Ben.
Hello, cleveland !
All right, let's do this-- Who loves you, baby ?
I do-- look at me, Look right here.
You do.
And i'm recording.
And five, four, three...
* Left out But i'm not new *
* This doesn't seem Too fair *
* I feel left out
* Didn't used to
* I've gotta Think this through *
That sucked !
So how do you feel about Your mother-in-law ?
My mother-in-law, Well, actually,
She's a very nice woman, and I had to have her cremated,
And i cannot tell you--
I flew all the way Over to england,
'Cause they were english, And i had her cremated,
And i was coming back On the plane,
And then it hit me--
Maybe i should have Waited 'til she was dead.
You know, doctor, i'm busy,
And i had three days off, and i Figured, let me do it now,
And you know, She just wouldn't listen.
I kept saying, "helen, You've always said,
'Joan, i wanna be cremated.'"
Well, i have the time, i spent My own money on the ticket.
I'm here-- let's Just go through with it.
As you get older, this death, The body goes.
My body just drops, Drops, drops, drops.
I mean, i cannot tell you.
I wear a bikini, People think
I'm in A one-piece bathing suit.
It's not pretty, doctor.
Now, joan, you are An attractive woman.
I don't know why you're So hard on yourself.
Well, that's-- You know, doctor,
Thank you very much, But that's--
Whatever it is, it's Due to plastic surgery.
I just go in there, i don't Even take anesthetic anymore.
The only trouble is, You know,
Sometimes, they Can pull you too tight.
I mean, a friend of mine, He pulled so--
He just pulled her up.
She wears her earrings On her ass.
I mean, just-- You gotta be careful.
Sure.
Oh, yeah.
My thighs-- i never Get in a bathing suit,
'Cause i get in the bathing Suit, i walk around,
My thighs go, "good for us, Good for us, good for us."
I was on a game show In australia,
Where i represented The united states,
And i felt like I did a pretty good job.
When i was playing This woman,
Whenever the host Wasn't looking at her or i,
I'd slap her buzzer, You know ?
And i think her name was, Like, sophie, or something,
And the host kept going, "Sophie !"
And she goes, "He keeps hitting my buzzer,"
And i go, "oh, i do not !
"If you're gonna lose, Just lose.
Don't drag me into Your nightmare, duh."
( Piano music )
You know What the music means.
What does the music mean ?
Our time is up.
What do you mean Our time is up ?
Do you mean, Like, in a big sense ?
That i'm worm food ?
Just because you hear Some songs, i'm dead ?
You're a sick, Little, twisted man.
You know what those Sirens mean ?
I'm gonna break you in half With my bare hands !
Laura ?
She won't help you-- She's in cahoots with me !